


Trouble with Texting

by dgalerab



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chatfic Elements, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Oikawa Tooru's Knee Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dgalerab/pseuds/dgalerab
Summary: Iwaizumi goes online to deal with his unrequited crush on his best friend. He meets someone in a suspiciously similar situation, and things get... a little complicated.





	Trouble with Texting

**Author's Note:**

> An old, old fic I wrote sometime last year but what the heck.

Iwaizumi Hajime has known for quite a while that he’s gay. It’s pretty hard not to, when he spends so much time with Oikawa. He’s always considered it kind of like standing in the sun and knowing, without a shadow of doubt, that you’re getting a sunburn.

For the most part, though, this knowledge is on the backburner. Oikawa might be the sun, but he’s also Icarus, constantly pushing himself to be the best, and he’ll break anyone to do so. Especially himself. Iwaizumi can’t afford to be Icarus as well, not when he’s the only thing stopping Oikawa from diving into his own sun, the idea of victory and success that shines before him.

But like all things avoided for convenience, eventually it catches up to him and parks itself under his nose.

Right now, it’s under his nose in the form of a nervous first year. Kiyabu Sugita, if Iwaizumi remembers correctly. “Um,” he says, and shakes with the force of their surprised looks as Oikawa and Iwaizumi turn around to look at him. Oikawa regards him like he always does new people, outwardly pleasant, inwardly sizing him up. “Iwaizumi-san, could I have a word in private?”

Oikawa’s eyes narrow fractionally. Iwaizumi can see his mind spinning through the things that could warrant a first year boy asking to speak to him personally, deciding whether he should be an asshole about it or not.

Iwaizumi doesn’t feel the need to go through those options, not when he’s about to find out anyway. “Sure,” he says, before Oikawa has the chance to decide he needs to become a viper.

They stroll down to one of the empty corridors and hover in front of a bookshelf. Kiyabu whirls around, as though he’s trying to do something before he loses his nerve. “I… I know this is strange,” he rasps, reaching into his bag. He pulls out an envelope and shoves it at Iwaizumi. “But I wanted to give you this.”

Iwaizumi stares at it. He knows this situation, this pose, this speech. But usually it’s Oikawa standing in his place. And it’s not a guy standing before him.

“Oh,” he says, because he’s worried Kiyabu will start crying if he doesn’t say anything. He takes the envelope gingerly.

“I understand if you’re disgusted, but I wanted someone to know,” Kiyabu whispers. “You… you didn’t seem like the type to hit me, that’s all.”

Iwaizumi’s heart softens a little at that. “I’m not bothered,” he says gently, rubbing at his neck. “Listen, this is going to sound like a really… dickish shake-off tactic, but… I’m really not up for a relationship right now. I’ve got studies and volleyball… next year I’ll be a third year and things will just get harder, and…” _… and I’m totally in love with Oikawa already._

“So…” Kiyabu whispers. “You’re saying… you would?”

Iwaizumi looks him up and down. He’s about the same size as Iwaizumi, just a little shorter. He’s got nice brown eyes and messy black hair that falls almost into his eyes. He’s pretty good looking, really, if a little skinny. He’s timid in a way, but also clearly willing to stand his ground. He seems like a kind soul, too, somehow.

Iwaizumi could definitely see himself at least having a good time with him, but Iwaizumi would hate to see what would happen when eventually, inevitably, he’d have to admit he was in love with someone else the whole time.

“Yeah, I would,” he says, smiling a little. There’s really no situation in which he would, unless Oikawa were to randomly vanish from the face of the Earth, but at this moment, that seems unimportant.

What is important is how relieved he is to stand before someone like him, and that’s certainly something he wants to share, Oikawa or no Oikawa.

Kiyabu’s face breaks into a smile. “To be honest, I think that was more important to me than actually dating you.”

Iwaizumi laughs. “Yeah,” he says. “I know what you mean.”

“Does anyone know?”

“Nah,” Iwaizumi says. “I think I’ve just been avoiding the thought all together. It’s easy when I’m not looking for a relationship, you know?”

Kiyabu nods. “I just got so tired of keeping it a secret. People keep asking about girls, you know?”

“Well,” Iwaizumi says with a chuckle. “It helps to hide behind a guy with his own fan club.”

“I’ll remember that,” Kiyabu says with a twinkle in his eye. “Thanks for listening to me, Iwaizumi-san.”

“It’s really no problem,” Iwaizumi tells him. “I’m glad you felt you could trust me with it. And if you want to talk some other time, feel free.”

The smile that Kiyabu gives him for that feels intense somehow. Iwaizumi feels, for a moment, as though he’s saved a life, and his breath catches in his throat from the weight of it. “Thank you, Iwaizumi-san. I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that.”

Iwaizumi just nods, blushing, and starts them on walking back.

Oikawa catches him as he heads to class, watching Kiyabu wave goodbye with a sharp look. “What was that?” he asks.

“Uh… he just needed some advice?” Iwaizumi mutters. Oikawa is the last person he wants to tell that he’s gay, because Oikawa’s first question will inevitably be if Iwaizumi is attracted to him, which Iwaizumi doesn’t want to deal with. At all.

“On what?” Oikawa chirps, smiling with that bright smile and those deadly eyes.

“On dealing with people as obnoxious as you,” Iwaizumi says, automatically.

He expects Oikawa to whine and stomp and call him mean, but instead Oikawa looks away. “Alright, don’t tell me,” he says, as though he really doesn’t care, but Iwaizumi can tell that he’s come to a conclusion in his head that he’s not happy about.

Iwaizumi’s heart thuds in his throat. Did he figure out it was a confession? Surely he realizes that Iwaizumi turned him down, and he can’t know that it was just because he was interested in someone else. He certainly can’t know that that someone else is a guy, much less Oikawa himself.

He takes a breath to calm himself and follows Oikawa to class.

-X-

Something about the whole encounter with Kiyabu makes him long for more. Someone to talk to, another chance to feel that relief he’d felt with Kiyabu. Usually, that person is Oikawa, but because this shit is so hopelessly tied up with Oikawa, that won’t work. He lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling, until finally he decides to resort to the internet.

He takes out his laptop and starts searching. At first his searches pull up mostly porn of some kind, so he modifies them until it’s only about halfway porn and then resigns himself to ignoring the porn. He finds a few blogs, some of them bizarre, some cringe worthy, but a few that are well written and focus on homosexuality.

He stays up late reading them, and he ends up dozing off with a comforting warm feeling in his chest.

-X-

Oikawa doesn’t bring up Kiyabu again, and he’s not acting any different, so Iwaizumi slowly calms down. He slips into a habit of checking his favorite blogs often and ignoring the thought when he’s at school. He makes his own blog after a while, but only uses it to interact with other blogs.

Everything settles, all the way until one day he walks in to see Makki and Mattsun giggling over something. That’s already a bad sign.

“Hey,” Makki says, giggling. “Oikawa, are you a boobs or ass man?”

Oikawa looks at him like he’s spit all over himself, but he rolls his eyes and says, “Ass.”

Iwaizumi’s life flashes before his eyes when Mattsun looks at him. “How about you, Iwaizumi?”

“Boobs,” Iwaizumi says, and he can only hope that he said it casually and that it’s not obvious that he said it because it’s the safest answer. He remembers Kiyabu’s complaints about how hard it was to talk about girls, and he certainly feels it now.

“Damn,” Mattsun says. “We’re still tied.”

Oikawa sighs. “Honestly,” he drawls. “This is why none of you have girlfriends.”

“Hey, you answered,” Mattsun points out.

Oikawa shrugs. “I know what I like.”

Not for the first time, Iwaizumi envies him. He’s smooth, unconcerned. He knows that he’s attractive, knows that he can take his pick of women. He’s comfortable here, even as Iwaizumi’s heart pounds, wondering if he managed to slip past with his blatant lie.

Oikawa doesn’t make any mention of it, though, and the entire encounter is forgotten quickly, so surely he’s gotten away with it.

Iwaizumi gets home and finds himself reading through replies from other blogs, as usual, but now it’s something desperate, a need to find people who understand, who can relate to his clamoring thoughts and slight panic, but reading other people’s experience just make Iwaizumi more frustrated about his own.

He opens up a new tab and starts typing it out. Before he knows it, there are three pages of spilled emotions in the post, and the panic has faded, replaced again by that background acceptance. He posts it, and closes his laptop.

-X-

Now that he’s started writing his own experiences, he can’t stop. He keeps it vague, just in case someone who knows him happens to find his blog, but he writes the emotions without a single detail spared.

After a while, he starts gaining followers. Soon, those turn into asks, usually wanting advice of some kind. Iwaizumi does his best to answer honestly and helpfully. He’s not sure how much it helps, but it’s a lot like Kiyabu, where a lot of the askers are just relieved to have anyone to talk to.

It feels like with Kiyabu, too, like he’s not alone, and his terrible secret is something that helps others instead of something that just makes him miserable.

After a while, he’s got too many followers to follow them all back, but every so often, he’ll find a blog that interests him among his followers, and he’ll follow back and start a tentative friendship, just an exchange of experiences.

Right now, he’s staring at one of those blogs. It’s not even specifically dealing with homosexuality, which is usually the only thing he follows, but…

… for gods’ sake.

It’s an alien blog. It’s almost all about aliens and space and Oikawa would _fucking_ love it. Good lord, he would adore it. It’s exactly the kind of gaudy design he’d like, too. The url is **etfonehome** and it’s so cheesy that Oikawa would probably try to buy it from them.

Iwaizumi groans and follows back.

A few days later, he gets a message from them.

**_Oh wow? I didn’t think you’d follow me back :o_ **

Iwaizumi laughs at that.

**_Yeah. I’ve got a friend who would love your blog, so… Here we are_ ** **.**

**_I’m glad_ **

**_I’ve been psyching myself up to send you an ask for days now_ **

**_I’m that scary, huh?_ **

**_Not scary_ **

**_Just… I’ve never talked to anyone else about being into guys_ **

**_And I wasn’t sure what exactly I want to ask, just wanted to talk to someone_ **

**_Yeah. I know that feeling._ **

**_That’s why I have this blog in the first place_ ** **.**

**_Well… it’s not even that I’m scared to come out, per se_ **

**_But uh… I usually talk to my best friend about stuff like this_ **

**_But like… I can’t exactly tell him this, because I’m sort of in love with him_ **

**_And he’s straight_ **

**_Oh MAN I feel that._ **

**_Ugh, right?_ **

**_Anyway, I don’t think he’d freak, because I think a guy confessed to him already and that guy def didn’t look scarred for life afterwards_ **

**_But like… he was weird about it and he never talked to the guy again_ **

**_So I don’t wanna try that_ **

**_Yeah. I know._ **

**_I don’t even wanna tell him I’m gay._ **

**_Because I know he’ll be chill about it but he’ll immediately ask if I’m into him and…_ **

**_Oh boy_ **

**_Yeah._ **

**_He has a lot of girls confessing to him._ **

**_He’s good at doing it gently but it’s so final always._ **

**_Kinda scary final._ **

**_That sucks_ **

**_At the risk of sounding like I’m taking pleasure in your pain_ **

**_I’m really glad you’re in the same boat as me_ **

**_Same here._ **

**_Glad you wrote to me._ **

**_I was super nervous too!_ **

**_Okay, this might be too soon to say something that proves what an asshole I am_ **

**_But like… I wrote to you because you remind me of him_ **

**_How you react to things_ **

**_Or something_ **

**_So it was like… close enough to talking to him_ **

**_That’s a terrible thing to say, right?_ **

**_I followed you because I’m like 90% sure you’re my guy’s soulmate or something._ **

**_Like I think if I showed him your blog he’d start crying that he didn’t make it first._ **

**_I mean I’d totally cry if someone else had made this blog before me_ **

**_And also that means your guy is a believer_ **

**_You have good taste_ **

**_That is definitely not what I like about him._ **

**_Actually, no, that’s not true._ **

**_It’s adorable._ **

**_Awwww_ **

**_I’m flattered_ **

**_Hush._ **

**_Anyway, I’m glad you wrote._ **

**_You can write to me anytime._ **

**_I will_ **

**_Thank you_ **

**_It’s really no big deal._ **

**_I like having someone to talk to as well._ **

**_Same_ **

**_But I gotta do hw_ **

**_Same._ **

**_Later!_ **

**_Bye!_ **

As far as Iwaizumi’s experienced it, usually, internet friendships start out really nice, but then they fade out. It’s fine, because Iwaizumi just likes having people to talk to, but for some reason, he finds himself wanting this one to last.

-X-

Oikawa is humming in the morning as he gets dressed for morning practice.

“You’re in a good mood,” Iwaizumi remarks.

Oikawa blinks at him. “Huh?” he says, and then seems to register what was said to him. “Oh, yeah. I guess I am.”

Iwaizumi snorts. “What happened? Ushijima Wakatoshi fell down the stairs? New girlfriend?”

“I wish. And also I’m glad you acknowledge that I’m capable of getting a girlfriend at any moment,” Oikawa drawls, grinning at Iwaizumi over his shoulder.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes.

“But no. I don’t know, it’s just a nice day. I feel good today,” he says, folding his school uniform carefully.

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says. He’s happy too, but it’s mostly because of the conversation last night, short as it was. “It is a nice day.”

“Aw, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa coos. “Is that supposed to be your happy face?”

Iwaizumi smacks him.

-X-

After evening practice, he finds himself scrambling to get home and get online. He opens up his computer to see if there’s any new messages. He’s surprised at the sudden disappointment when there aren’t any.

He’d kind of hoped that the one person who understood most of all what he was going through would want to keep talking to him. Of course, the guy might just be nervous, so Iwaizumi writes to him.

**_Hey._ **

There’s a long pause before he finally gets an answer.

**_Hi!_ **

**_You wrote first!_ **

**_Yeah. I just got home._ **

**_Me too_ **

**_Classes?_ **

**_Practice._ **

**_Me too!_ **

**_I’d ask what sport but honestly idk if I want to tell you what sport I do so it wouldn’t be fair_ **

**_?_ **

**_Um_ **

**_The sport is really important between me and my guy_ **

**_It’d be weird talking to you about it?_ **

**_I don’t know why_ **

**_Sorry_ **

**_Yeah, ok._ **

**_Same here, actually._ **

**_Played together since we were kids._ **

**_It’s scary how much we have in common_ **

**_Well… birds of a feather, right?_ **

**_Haha, yeah_ **

**_So_ **

**_You’re in high school?_ **

**_Yeah._ **

**_You too?_ **

**_Yep_ **

**_That’s why I guessed that ;)_ **

**_What’s your opinion on sonnets?_ **

**_Not asking in a romantic way I’m just reading a few online and I was curious_ **

**_I’d be worried if that was your idea of a pickup line._ **

**_They’re nice._ **

**_I prefer couplets._ **

**_More rhythm, I guess?_ **

**_Couplets are a weak man’s poetry_ **

**_Also women flock to me in droves, I don’t need pickup lines_ **

**_So honestly I’m probably really bad at them_ **

**_Oooh, you’re so tough._ **

**_But at least you know your limits._ **

**_I almost said something terrible._ **

**_Go for it_ **

**_I’ll probably end up saying something more terrible at some point in our conversations_ **

**_Certainly if we keep talking for a while_ **

**_I’m kind of an asshole, I’m told_ **

**_Just that my guy wouldn’t admit the pickup line thing._ **

**_But he’d definitely mention all the women._ **

**_I don’t envy you_ **

**_My guy never has anything to do with girls_ **

**_Probably because I’m hogging all the glory_ **

**_That may or may not be why I play up the charm_ **

**_Also I like the attention_ **

**_Because I have 0 actual self confidence and I need constant affirmation_ **

**_I’m glad you’re self aware._ **

**_Don’t think my guy is._ **

**_Or if he is he doesn’t care._ **

**_Also, this might be weird, but I don’t really care that he’s picking up all the women._ **

**_I think it’d be worse to have to deal with them myself._ **

**_He doesn’t keep women for long anyway._ **

**_He hates being himself around them._ **

**_I get broken up with every week it seems_ **

**_I mean… I’m really obviously in love with someone else_ **

**_So they get tired of me pretty quick_ **

**_Have you considered not toying with girls like that?_ **

**_I’m not toying with them!_ **

**_I really do hope I’ll fall in love with one of them_ **

**_And get over my guy_ **

**_But I never do_ **

**_Yeah, but you shouldn’t be trying to do that while in a relationship._ **

**_I know_ **

**_I’m terrible_ **

**_You don’t seem too terrible to me._ **

**_I mean, I’m relieved by the fact that my best friend is literally incapable of being emotionally intimate with every woman he falls in love with, so like…_ **

**_Ok, ok_ **

**_Fair enough_ **

**_But that’s not so terrible either_ **

**_I think pain just makes people do painful things_ **

**_I’ll break up with my girlfriend if you give your friend a talk about opening up to his girlfriends?_ **

**_…_ **

**_Yeah, ok._ **

**_Deal._ **

**_And honestly, I hope you’ll manage to find someone you can fall in love with._ **

**_I hope you do too_ **

**_Not sure I want to._ **

**_?_ **

**_I’ve just been in love with this guy for so long._ **

**_I don’t know, I feel like a huge part of me would be gone if I fell out of love with him._ **

**_Like… something means SO much and then it just… doesn’t._ **

**_That feels like the biggest tragedy that could happen._ **

**_I don’t think you’d love him any less_ **

**_Maybe differently_ **

**_I guess._ **

**_So your plan is just to be in love with a straight guy in secret for the rest of your life?_ **

**_I don’t think I have a plan._ **

**_But if I did, yeah._ **

**_Don’t do that_ **

**_You could do better_ **

**_You barely even know me._ **

**_I’m good with reading people_ **

**_You deserve better_ **

**_Ok._ **

**_I don’t know._ **

**_I’ll probably get to the point where I can move on eventually._ **

**_But this guy is…_ **

**_I don’t know how to put it._ **

**_Magnetic._ **

**_Everyone is a little in love with him, but I’m the only one who really knows him, flaws and all. And it’s crazy enthralling._ **

**_I’m sure_ **

**_But if he can’t make you happy he’s not that great_ **

**_And you’ll find someone who’s even better_ **

**_Maybe not over all_ **

**_But to you_ **

**_…_ **

**_You tell that to yourself too, right?_ **

**_I mean, you’ll find Mr. or Ms. Right too._ **

**_I hope so_ **

**_But_ **

**_It sure is harder to believe from this end_ **

**_That’s for sure._ **

**_I have to pick up my sister_ **

**_Thanks for the talk_ **

**_As always_ **

**_Tomorrow is Saturday, will you be online?_ **

**_Yeah, probably._ **

**_Got some homework._ **

**_But I’ll be here. :)_ **

**_You’ll write?_ **

**_Absolutely_ **

**_Later :)_ **

**_Later._ **

Iwaizumi slides his laptop shut. An older brother, then? He snorts. No wonder this guy is more mature than Oikawa.

The next sound is more of a sigh. He’s found someone great to talk to and already he’s comparing them to Oikawa. He really does have a problem. Maybe it is time to try to move on, but he’s been in love with Oikawa pretty much since he can remember… it’s hard to think of what life might be like without being in love with him.

And, after all, what’s another year after so many? Maybe when they go to college.

-X-

Saturday goes by quickly talking to etfonehome, who Iwaizumi has started calling ET in his head. They don’t talk about their love lives anymore, but the conversation stays serious, as though they’ve just set the tone too soon and now they can’t get out of it.

Iwaizumi doesn’t mind. He and Oikawa have their occasional serious conversations, but they’re so used to teasing and annoying each other that they’re saved almost for special occasions. The conversations he has with ET are kind of like those conversations, though Iwaizumi feels bad for having such in depth conversations with a guy when somewhere in the back of his mind he’s pretending that it’s Oikawa having these conversations with him, in an alternate universe where Oikawa doesn’t hide behind the obnoxious façade to avoid his insecurities.

They keep talking throughout the weekend, and by Sunday evening there are moments that Iwaizumi isn’t even thinking of Oikawa when talking to ET. It’s both relieving and frightening.

Monday rolls around, and Oikawa’s as cheerful as ever, but that smile hits Iwaizumi harder than usual. He feels terrible, but he finds himself wishing that all the conversations he’d had with ET were with Oikawa. Really, ET deserves better than him, too. “Hey, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, before the guilt eats away at him entirely.

Oikawa looks over, big brown eyes gazing at him, and Iwaizumi is nearly swept away. He’s spent the whole weekend having normal conversations with someone else for once, and yet here he is, even more steeped in his unrequited love than before. “Do you wanna come over tonight?”

Oikawa tilts his head. “Something wrong, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi huffs out a breath. “Just a kind of rough weekend,” he says, even though it’s not true. It was a great weekend, he just wishes it would have been a great weekend with Oikawa.

“Oh,” Oikawa says, and for a moment he sounds weirdly upset. “I can come over.”

“You sound disappointed.”

Oikawa sighs. “To be honest I had a date. But it’s fine, I can…”

“No,” Iwaizumi says, his heart twisting. “You should go on your date. It wasn’t that rough of a weekend.”

“I’ll come over after?” Oikawa offers. “And stay over?”

Iwaizumi chews on his lip. He wonders what ET would say about him accepting second best like this, but honestly he’ll take what he can get. “Sure. Thanks.”

Oikawa grins. “No problem!”

-X-

The guilt hits twofold once he gets home, and he finds himself on his laptop immediately.

**_So about being terrible._ **

**_I think I’ve got you beat._ **

**_First of all, I let my guy sideline me for a date._ **

**_Second of all, I only asked him to hang out because I enjoyed talking to you, but I couldn’t stop wishing that I was talking like that to him._ **

**_So._ **

**_Sorry._ **

There’s no answer, and as the minutes creak by, Iwaizumi finds himself regretting writing those messages at all. He must have left ET feeling as second rate as Iwaizumi feels right now, no wonder he doesn’t want to answer. Which sucks, because Iwaizumi really liked talking to him, far too much to screw it up with his crush on Oikawa.

It’s not like they were even being romantic, there’s no reason for him to wish it was Oikawa. He has plenty of friends that aren’t Oikawa, and he’s never told them he wishes they were Oikawa.

He wants to apologize, but technically “sorry” is already an apology, and “look, Oikawa just gets to people and I’m weak to him,” seems like less of one.

Surprisingly, Oikawa comes over not an hour later.

“Fast date,” Iwaizumi remarks.

“She broke up with me,” Oikawa replies, and he actually looks sad this time. Iwaizumi’s stomach flips with the idea that Oikawa could be serious about a relationship.

“I’m sorry,” Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa sighs and sits in front of him, chin draped over his knees. “It wasn’t a worse break up than the others,” he says. “I’m just tired of this happening all the time.”

“You should try opening up to a girl sometime,” Iwaizumi says. At least he’s keeping his promises.

Oikawa chuckles. “Yeah,” he says. “I don’t think I’m that invested in having a relationship right now.” He sighs and unfolds his arms, leaning back on his palms. “Maybe I should take a break from all this.”

“Dating?”

Oikawa nods. “Yeah. No girlfriends for a while.”

Nothing has ever sounded sweeter to Iwaizumi, but he tries not to show it. “That’s pretty mature of you.”

“Iwa-chan, are you sick? You’re complimenting me.”

“Shut up,” Iwaizumi snaps. “I just thought if you’re going to behave like an adult, you could handle one, but clearly not, so I take it back.”

“Not fair!” Oikawa cries. “I earned that compliment fair and square! Give it back!”

“Nope. It’s gone now. That’s what you get for being a little shit.”

Oikawa pouts at him, then shifts closer. “So what happened this weekend?”

“Nothing, really,” Iwaizumi said. “It just kinda… I don’t know. I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“Can I help somehow?” Oikawa says.

 _You could be in love with me too_. “Nah,” Iwaizumi says. “It’s just nice that you’re here.”

Oikawa sits beside him quietly, and the mood is just like it was with ET, like he wanted. Except now Iwaizumi feels terrible about being an ass to ET, and that sours the whole things. It kind of feels kind of like he can’t win. But Oikawa is patient and silent next to him, which doesn’t happen so often, so Iwaizumi feels like he’s content, if it’s a confused, bittersweet content.

They go to bed when Oikawa starts dozing off, and Iwaizumi lays out the futon for him, watching his face from the bed once he falls asleep.

He has to make it up to ET somehow. If not for himself, then for ET.

-X-

He keeps thinking about it through the rest of the week, and in that time he doesn’t hear a peep from ET. He can tell that Oikawa is worried about him, but otherwise he’s just as happy as usual, despite the breakup. Iwaizumi doesn’t know if that makes him feel worse or better. He tries to keep up the façade as well, tries to act fine, but he doesn’t think he can do it as well as Oikawa.

He finally gets a message from ET on Friday, while he’s doing homework, and there’s a whole slew of messages when he gets online.

**_Hey_ **

**_Sorry_ **

**_I wasn’t gone because I was mad at you_ **

**_I broke up with my girlfriend_ **

**_And then kind of got wrecked about how my guy won’t ever love me_ **

**_So I’ve just been blanking out from the whole world_ **

**_Trying to act fine but He sees right through it, and I can tell He’s worried, but I just don’t know how to tell him what’s wrong_ **

**_Can’t tell him the truth_ **

**_So_ **

**_Yeah_ **

**_Also_ **

**_Don’t think I don’t wish you were him_ **

**_You remind me of him_ **

**_And it kinda kills me that we were open in a way I can’t be with him_ **

**_It’s nice, but_ **

**_Yeah_ **

**_I get it_ **

Iwaizumi smiles. He doesn’t feel much better about treating ET like this, but… well. At least it’s a good thing they’re feeling the same. After all, that’s the reason they started talking to each other.

**_Hey._ **

**_I’m glad you’re not mad._ **

**_And to be clear I really like talking to you as well._ **

**_I think you’re spot on about being upset because you remind me of Him._ **

**_I kinda wish we could have gotten to know each other without everything being so fucked up._ **

**_Me too_ **

**_I wish we’d met in person_ **

**_But also I don’t, because I think I’m only this open with you because I can hide behind a screen_ **

**_But also_ **

**_I think_ **

**_Maybe it’s early, but I think I could have fallen in love with you if we’d met in person_ **

**_Maybe that’s just force of habit_ **

**_Or maybe I’m trying to substitute you for Him_ **

**_Off brand gay version of your guy. :)_ **

**_Haha_ **

**_That’s a terrible way of putting it, but yeah_ **

**_I’m sorry_ **

**_Nah._ **

**_I mean, we’re both struggling through something here._ **

**_I think we just need to be able to tell each other if something’s going too far._ **

**_But otherwise maybe it’s best if we just agree we’re not sure what we’re doing here._ **

**_The constant apologies are getting kind of stale._ **

**_Right_ **

**_You always give good advice_ **

**_If that was true I don’t think I’d be six foot deep in a crush on the world’s most addictive straight guy._ **

**_Yeah, well_ **

**_That’s true, you could make better choices_ **

**_But your advice is good_ **

**_Just pretend you’re someone else_ **

**_Give them advice_ **

**_And then follow it_ **

**_Genius._ **

**_I wish_ **

**_By the way, proud of you for breaking up with that girl._ **

**_You’ll work it out if you give yourself breathing room._ **

**_I hope so_ **

**_Ugh, I need to placate my guy on Monday_ **

**_Why is he so good at noticing my fake smiles???_ **

**_After you see enough of them, a sixth sense develops._ **

**_My guy ADORES the fake smiles._ **

**_I’m so sorry_ **

**_The more I learn about how much your guy is like me the worse I feel for you_ **

**_Don’t sell yourself so short._ **

**_You’re great to talk to._ **

**_Better than your guy?_ **

Iwaizumi sighs. He doesn’t know how to respond to that. The obvious answer is yes, because Oikawa so rarely gives straight answers to anything, but then again, maybe ET wouldn’t either if he couldn’t “hide behind the screen.”

**_I’d probably have to see what you’re like in person._ **

**_I changed my mind_ **

**_I definitely don’t want that to ever happen_ **

**_I think you’d hate me_ **

**_I don’t think I could hate you._ **

**_I mean we’ve been talking for like… 2 days, but…_ **

**_Unless you kick puppies in your free time…_ **

**_Damn_ **

**_You got me_ **

**_I do_ **

**_I knew it._ **

**_I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t talk to you_ **

That gets Iwaizumi’s heart pounding. He wonders if he even would have been so confused if he hadn’t started talking to ET in the first place, but talking to ET is soothing. It’s like talking to Oikawa, but without the cloying sense that he’s currently plummeting into the pits of love and despair.

**_I’m glad to help, really._ **

**_I like talking to you too._ **

**_I’m gonna sleep_ **

**_Haven’t been this week_ **

**_It’s catching up to me_ **

**_Yeah, please do sleep every so often._ **

**_Good night._ **

**_I will I promise_ **

**_Good night!_ **

This time, they spend the weekend just like the last, but this time they keep messaging each other throughout the week. Iwaizumi manages to look Oikawa in the eyes again, and everything is alright for a few months.

-X-

This time it’s ET who singlehandedly wrecks their balance in an attempt to dive straight into something full throttle, which is so… very, very like him. Or maybe it’s like Oikawa, and Iwaizumi is the worst friend ever for not being able to tell which.

**_Ok_ **

**_I think_ **

**_I’m doing something really stupid here_ **

**_But_ **

**_I’ve been thinking_ **

**_And_ **

**_If you wanted_ **

**_We should meet_ **

**_And_ **

**_Um_ **

**_Date_ **

**_What?_ **

**_Look, this might be force of habit, but I really feel like there’s something special with you_ **

**_And I think given the chance I could fall in love with you_ **

**_Yeah. Could._ **

**_If it doesn’t work out, we can go back to being friends, right?_ **

**_We’re both still wishing the other was a different person._ **

**_That seems like a big problem with a relationship._ **

**_Well_ **

**_But we’re both doing it_ **

**_And we got this far even without seeing each other_ **

**_Maybe once we meet and we can talk in person_ **

**_Then it’ll just settle into place_ **

**_And we’ll fall in love and it’ll be ok_ **

**_But we’re not in love._ **

**_And even if it feels like it somehow, it’s because we remind each other of people we are in love with._ **

**_I know_ **

**_Trust me, I know_ **

**_But they’re never gonna love us back_ **

**_And I’ve never felt like I could manage with someone else until you_ **

Iwaizumi has to admit that that strikes a chord. Iwaizumi has never felt like anyone but Oikawa like he does about ET sometimes. Strangely enough, though, in this moment ET reminds him of Oikawa more than ever, trying to brute force _falling in love_ , of all things.

**_You really are eerily like him._ **

**_He never takes no for an answer._ **

**_I’ll take it if you’re sure_ **

**_Just hear me out_ **

**_Correction, you’re like a bizarro version of him that’s actually willing to drop the shit and talk to me._ **

**_Haha_ **

**_Trust me, in real life I’m way more of a fake, flamboyant asshole_ **

**_But I’ll be open with you_ **

**_I like being open with you_ **

**_You’re like my guy if I’d ever given him to the chance to see me as anything but an obnoxious asshole_ **

**_So we’re like… even better for each other than for them, right?_ **

**_Look, I don’t know._ **

**_Think about it_ **

**_Please_ **

Iwaizumi sighs. He’s losing his mind. ET has almost the effect on him as Oikawa. He tries not to think about the fact that that’s probably because he’s falling for ET, because quite frankly being in love with Oikawa is enough and it’s just unfair to be in love with another person on top of that.

**_Alright._ **

**_I’ll think about it._ **

**_But I like talking to you and I don’t want to fuck it up in an attempt at some dysfunctional relationship._ **

**_That’s fair_ **

**_But just think about it_ **

Iwaizumi groans. He already is thinking of it, and it’s going to be a long, long few days ahead as he keeps thinking about it, because there’s really no way to stop thinking about it now.

Of course, Oikawa chooses this week to be an utter asshole, picking at Iwaizumi’s expressions and prodding and elbowing into his business, like he’s instantly aware that Iwaizumi, for possibly the _first time_ in his _entire life_ has someone else on his mind instead of Oikawa.

Actually, it’s likely that Oikawa _has_ picked up on it, what with that crazy intuition of his, because at some point he grabs Iwaizumi’s cheeks and pinches them hard, whining, “Iwa-chan is so grumpy this week!” He blinks at Iwaizumi innocently. “Did you actually try to ask a girl out, Iwa-chan?”

It’s obvious that he realizes before Iwaizumi does that he’s stumbled into something that Iwaizumi really, really doesn’t want to put up with. He tries to smooth things over without backing down, patting Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Iwa-chan, someone will have to love you eventually.”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “Thanks, but there’s no girl,” he says. “I’m just… I had a weird weekend, okay?”

Oikawa softens a little. “Do you want to come over again? Like last time?”

Right. Last time, when Iwaizumi had had a nice time talking to ET and had immediately run to Oikawa. He hates this, and he’s so ready to just give it up and at least _try_ with someone else. Maybe it’ll be easier to come out to Oikawa if he already has a boyfriend. Maybe once he lets himself be with someone else, he’ll get out of this weird loop with Oikawa.

Honestly, at this moment, it’s probably the better decision to say yes to ET.

Instead, he tells Oikawa, “Sure. That sounds nice.”

-X-

They watch a movie, and Iwaizumi is probably the worst company, because he can’t stop kicking himself for doing this. Seriously, not two hours after deciding he really wants to try dating ET, here he is, sitting beside Oikawa, watching some shitty sci-fi and watching his impending heart attack as Oikawa dozes off, sliding down the bed until it’s inevitable that he’s going to fall onto Iwaizumi’s shoulder.

He starts up a little when it happens, but clearly not enough to see Iwaizumi’s wrecked face as his heart tries to leap out of his chest. He settles his head back down, too sleepy apparently to pull away, and yawns. “You know, you can tell me anything, Iwa-chan,” he mutters.

Iwaizumi is about two seconds away from either imploding or finally just confessing, just so that it’s over with, but Oikawa gives a soft snore, then, and seemingly falls asleep completely.

He’s so beautiful when he’s sleeping, all the lines of concentration gone, all the facades and guarded smiles finally let go, just the inherent innocence in his face shining through.

“I love you,” Iwaizumi whispers to the quiet room, but Oikawa doesn’t stir.

Iwaizumi screws his eyes shut and leans his head on the top of Oikawa’s and tries to live in a world, if only for a moment, where Oikawa wakes and takes his hand, and says _I love you_ back, and everything is fine.

-X-

**_Look, I thought about it, and I can’t… I can’t do this._ **

**_Alright_ **

**_Fair enough_ **

**_Forget I mentioned it :)_ **

**_I don’t think I can._ **

**_Uh?_ **

**_Look I keep mixing you guys up and I feel awful but I don’t know if I can handle this._ **

**_This?_ **

**_Talking to you._ **

**_You’re the only person I can talk to about all this, though_ **

**_I won’t mention relationships again, I swear, but don’t_ **

**_Don’t stop talking to me_ **

**_I don’t *want* to, but I just… I don’t know._ **

**_It’s driving me nuts, talking to you and being in love with him and…_ **

**_I just…_ **

**_I wish this was easier._ **

**_Okay, look_ **

**_Take a week_ **

**_Think things through calmly_ **

**_And then get back to me_ **

**_Yeah._ **

**_Yeah, you’re right._ **

**_But what if I decide I really can’t handle talking to you?_ **

**_I don’t know_ **

**_I really hope you don’t_ **

**_But I mean…_ **

**_You need to do what’s best for you_ **

**_Right._ **

**_Can I say one selfish thing, though, before you go?_ **

**_Go for it._ **

**_I think I’m winning the selfishness Olympics right now._ **

**_This isn’t healthy_ **

**_Cutting off potential relationships for a guy you don’t have a chance with_ **

**_And I’m saying that because I really, really need you, yeah_ **

**_But I also know I’m right_ **

**_…_ **

**_Point taken._ **

**_One week._ **

**_One week_ **

If the past week was miserable, this one is hell.

He still feels like talking to ET is a big mess that he doesn’t know how to handle, and now, lo and behold, the feeling has spread to Oikawa. At this point, Oikawa’s attempts to get his attention aren’t unwarranted. It’s not like Iwaizumi has given him any reason why he’s suddenly incapable of talking to his best friend, but every look, every word, every dumb little habit Oikawa gives him just sends everything into a flurry.

The week will just have to apply to Oikawa as well, and then he’ll make a decision once he’s had time to breathe.

Except, of course, Oikawa won’t give him room to breathe, because Oikawa doesn’t handle things he doesn’t understand very well and he clearly can’t understand why Iwaizumi won’t talk to him, even though he hasn’t done anything.

After the third day of constant badgering, Iwaizumi reacts like an idiot, and turns on Oikawa. “You know what?” he says, and he knows already this is a bad, bad idea, but he’s so overwhelmed by all his feelings and the fact that he can’t tell Oikawa the truth that he doesn’t manage to swerve out of it in time, just watches it all happen like a bad dream. “There _is_ a girl, and _she_ confessed to _me,_ so if you’d leave your patronizing bullshit and let me fucking _think things through_ that’d be great. Sometimes, things aren’t about _you_.”

Oikawa is silent. The whole team is silent, because obviously Iwaizumi had to have his minor meltdown in the locker room.

“Alright,” Oikawa says, quietly, pulling on his shirt and turning away. “You could have just told me that.”

If he’d have put up a fight, Iwaizumi might not feel like shit right now, but Oikawa just grabs his bag and walks out of the locker room without a sound.

The team looks away quickly, leaving Iwaizumi to stew in quiet self-hatred. He considers sticking around and waiting for when Oikawa inevitably doubles back to the gym to keep practicing, because that’s clearly what he’s going to do, now that Iwaizumi’s upset him.

But the fact of the matter is that until Iwaizumi manages to untangle his feelings, it’s not exactly going to be easy to work this out with Oikawa. He’s mad at him for something Oikawa can’t help, really, and until he calms down, he’s just going to get into it with him about something trivial that Oikawa shouldn’t be yelled at for.

So Iwaizumi sits on his bed, stares at the ceiling, and tries to make head or tail of his own feelings.

At about one in the morning, his phone starts vibrating. Iwaizumi sighs. No doubt it’s Oikawa, ready to demand answers, or worse, apologize.

He sighs and at least decides to open it. It’s not Oikawa, it’s Makki and Mattsun in a group text.

**_Makki: listen if youre seriously just hung up on a girl, you should put it on pause_ **

**_Mattsun: oikawa’s still at the gym_ **

**_Makki: he’s really upset_ **

Iwaizumi sighs. One in the morning really is way too late, even for Oikawa.

**_Iwaizumi: Listen, I know he’s upset, but I need to work this out with him later._ **

**_Iwaizumi: It’s complicated._ **

**_Iwaizumi: He can handle being left to himself for one night._ **

He rolls his eyes. Mattsun and Makki should know this. It’s just Oikawa’s nature to get caught up in these things. He’ll blow off his steam, Iwaizumi will drag him out of the gym at a normal time, and he’ll be fine. There’s no use in rushing over right now to get into an argument just to spare Oikawa one night of crazy practice.

**_Makki: try 2 weeks_ **

Iwaizumi blinks. _Two weeks?_ He’s been terse with Oikawa, sure, but he hasn’t done anything hurtful to him.

**_Mattsun: he was upset before you were_ **

**_Makki: you’ve been moping so hard you didn’t even notice_ **

**_Makki: he’s been in the gym this late every night this past week_ **

**_Mattsun: we’re getting really worried about him but he won’t talk to us_ **

Iwaizumi groans. Trust Oikawa to have an actual problem the _one_ time Iwaizumi is paying attention to someone else. Though, honestly, it’s not as though he can help it. It’s just bad timing, Iwaizumi reminds himself, but he’s finding himself getting more and more annoyed at Oikawa as he gets dressed.

He shoves his phone into his pocket, slipping out of the hall and out the house, jogging down the streets to the gym. By the time he gets there, he’s entirely pissed.

It’s just like Oikawa to have a meltdown at the worst possible moment, whether he does it on purpose or not, and Iwaizumi is going to drag him out of the gym by his feet if he has to.

Iwaizumi shoves open the door with a bang, but Oikawa barely glances at him, swinging himself into another serve instead. His form is getting better, it’s almost perfect, but Iwaizumi doesn’t care. At this point, Oikawa’s not practicing to get better, he’s doing it because he can’t accept good enough from himself.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m practicing, Iwa-chan, can’t you see?” Oikawa says, the sing-song tune of his voice blooming into something bitter.

“This late at night?” Iwaizumi growls. “Come on, Shittykawa, wrap it up, you’re done.”

“Oh, so suddenly you care?” Oikawa drawls, spinning the volleyball in his hands and bending into a serve again.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. The mere thought that he wouldn’t care about Oikawa is ridiculous, and Oikawa knows it, he’s just upset about not getting attention. “Don’t act so high and mighty,” Iwaizumi snaps. “You’re just upset I don’t spend every second of my time following after you.”

Oikawa straightens up, turning around to face Iwaizumi. “No, you know what, _Iwaizumi_ ,” he says, voice venomous like it’s never been with Iwaizumi before, “I don’t think I’m the one being self-centered for once.”

Iwaizumi blinks. This isn’t like the temper tantrums that Oikawa has had before. Something is really, really wrong.

“Everyone on the team noticed I was feeling awful the whole week, and you didn’t even look twice at me, much less ask what was wrong,” Oikawa grits out, painfully composed. “I asked _you_ and you didn’t even _notice_. I know that I don’t have to be the center of attention all the time, but the second you have something else on your mind you forget about me _entirely_? You’ve barely spoken to me for a week, and why? Because you felt weird about dating someone? You didn’t even bother telling me you needed time to think, just… just cut me off.”

Iwaizumi’s stomach lurches. He can’t exactly tell Oikawa that he rejected that someone because of Oikawa himself, and he can imagine how this all must look from Oikawa’s perspective if he doesn’t know that’s why Iwaizumi has been avoiding him while he gets his thoughts together.

“So you know what?” Oikawa says, turning away again, eyeing the other half of the court. “No, I don’t feel like listening to you now, and since you’ve decided I’m just a noise you can tune out when you have something better to do, I don’t think you’re in a place to judge me for that.”

“Oikawa…” Iwaizumi says, throat dry. He has to admit, Oikawa has a point, but he can’t keep pushing himself like this, or something’s going to…

… Oikawa jumps just as Iwaizumi reaches for him, apology ready on his lips.

The jump is alright.

The serve is alright.

It’s only the landing that goes wrong, Oikawa’s leg sliding out from under him as he hits the ground, pitching him forward and twisting him to the ground.

Iwaizumi doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to forget the scream that follows, the pained whimper that escapes Oikawa’s lips as he twists, trying to pull up his leg to grasp at his knee, his horrifically twisted knee…

He can’t seem to sit right, gasping and curling into his knee, looking pale and eyes watery. Iwaizumi reaches for him, heart in his throat. “Oikawa, shit, are you…?” he asks, and he’s shaking.

Oikawa pushes him away. “Get _off_ of me,” he snarls, trying to catch his breath and failing as he clenches his teeth to manage the pain.

“Please just let me _help_ ,” Iwaizumi says.

Oikawa ignores him, crawls to the stands, wrestling Iwaizumi away when he tries to help, and pulls out his phone. He doesn’t say a single word to Iwaizumi, not even as he hovers over Oikawa, wishing he could do _something, anything_ to fix this. He calls his sister, and then he tosses the phone back down.

There’s something oddly dead in his eyes, like he’s seen all of this coming, and it kills Iwaizumi. Why didn’t he notice there was something wrong with Oikawa before? Wasn’t the whole point of cutting ET off that he wanted to stay with Oikawa? And yet somehow, he didn’t even notice that Oikawa was unraveling right in front of him in the meantime.

He still doesn’t even know what was wrong in the first place. “What happened?” he croaks. “Why were you upset?”

“Ask me in a week,” Oikawa says bitterly, and Iwaizumi knows what he means. He doesn’t mean _I’ll tell you in a week_. He means that Iwaizumi should have been the one to ask a week ago. Oikawa had asked him, because that’s what they did, they were friends. Best friends.

“I’m sorry,” Iwaizumi says weakly. He sits beside Oikawa. “I’ll wait ‘til your sister gets here.”

“I don’t care,” Oikawa says.

Iwaizumi can tell he’s not welcome, but he waits. He helps Oikawa and his sister hobble to the car, nestles Oikawa into the front seat. Oikawa doesn’t fight him anymore, but he doesn’t look at Iwaizumi. His sister smiles at him apologetically, but Iwaizumi just waves and starts walking home, listening to the tires as they take off towards the hospital.

Iwaizumi goes home and throws himself into bed.

The next day, Oikawa’s not at school.

Torn ACL. Iwaizumi finds out from Matsukawa.

The world seems stale and colorless.

The evening finds him back in his bed, feeling as though he never left it.

His mother comes in at some point, creaking the door open hesitantly. “Tooru’s mother called,” she says. “He’s going to have surgery next week.”

“Alright,” Iwaizumi says, but it’s not alright.

“You’re not going with him?” she prompts.

“I don’t think he wants me there,” he says.

She’s silent for a moment, paused in the doorframe, mulling over her words. She’s not much louder than him. “I think he’s always wanted you there,” she says finally. “I think maybe sometimes he tried to say otherwise, but I think that’s just because he was expecting you to leave anyway, and he wanted it to sound like it was his decision. He always liked to have a hold on things.”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi says.

She smiles a little and leaves the room, shutting the door behind her.

He hates this. He hates that he let Oikawa down, hates that he can’t let Oikawa go. He hates that he had to drop Oikawa to sort things out with ET and hates that he had to drop ET to sort things out with Oikawa.

It’s not fair to Oikawa to abandon him because he really, actually wants something with ET and he’s scared that it’ll be change to much to want those things as much as he wants them with Oikawa. And it’s not fair to ET to cut him off entirely just because ET is grasping at a chance for happiness. Iwaizumi still doubts that getting together, at least for now, would end in anything good, but that doesn’t mean he can’t talk ET through things.

He owes them both an apology, and he can’t figure out which of them to start with.

He hates himself for it a little, but he ends up opening his blog. ET… at least has been writing to him occasionally, and he might be more ready to hear an apology than Oikawa. Actually, there are far more messages than he’d anticipated from ET, and it takes him a while to scroll up to the top.

**_Hey_ **

**_I know you’re still thinking but I need to talk to you_ **

**_My guy isn’t talking to me_ **

**_It started just when you started_ **

**_I feel awful, I don’t know what’s going on but it’s the worst timing ever_ **

**_Can’t you just forget that I even asked? At least until I figure out how I pissed Him off?_ **

**_We were ok, right?_ **

**_Before I screwed up?_ **

Iwaizumi frowns. He’s always felt that the coincidence is a more powerful thing than people (namely Oikawa, conspiracy theorist extraordinaire) give it credit for, but now this is getting eerie.

**_Hey_ **

**_He wasn’t mad at me he just got confessed to by a girl_ **

**_I don’t know if he said yes but this is the first time I’ve heard of this happening and he’s clearly thinking hard about it, because he didn’t even notice I was upset_ **

**_He always notices?_ **

**_What am I going to do if he gets a girlfriend_ **

**_I can’t do this_ **

**_Please just talk to me_ **

Iwaizumi feels a sense of foreboding coiling in his gut, but the next message is from the very same day, when Iwaizumi went to the gym.

**_Hey_ **

**_So_ **

**_I’m being an idiot_ **

**_Practicing too much_ **

**_To take my mind off of things_ **

**_But iwachan isn’t noticing so now I think I’m just doing it to get his attention_ **

**_I want him to yell at me_ **

**_Because I can’t stand the thought that he’d be distracted by a girl so much that he won’t take care of me_ **

**_Like a fucking child_ **

**_It’s awful_ **

**_I’m sick_ **

**_I can’t believe I’m doing this_ **

**_My knee is sore but I can’t stop_ **

**_If I go home before I’m ready to pass out, I can’t even think of anything but him_ **

**_And you_ **

**_Please say something_ **

**_Anything_ **

_Oh no,_ Iwaizumi thinks, but by now it’s like watching a car crash, horrified but unable to look away. _Oh noooo_.

**_Hey_ **

**_Tore my ACL_ **

**_I mean I had it coming_ **

**_Fucking myself up to get iwachan’s attention_ **

**_At least surgery should fix it_ **

**_But like_ **

**_Iwachan stops talking to me the same week you do_ **

**_Like_ **

**_What are the chances_ **

**_And here I am fucking myself up just so iwachan can’t have a girlfriend that he loves more than me, because even though it’s totally normal and he knows nothing I just can’t stand it an_ **

**_And pressuring you when I knew you were uncomfortable and I knew you were hung up on your guy_ **

**_I’m an awful friend and person and it’s no wonder you both stopped talking to me_ **

**_But_ **

**_What if it’s more than that?_ **

**_Like karma or something_ **

**_And now I’m going to lose my fucking knee because I’ve been an asshole to Tobio and I fucking hate Ushiwaka and I’m never going to play volleyball again_ **

**_I’m so scared_ **

**_What if I lose you and iwachan and volleyball_ **

**_All at once_ **

**_Iwachan is really worried too_ **

**_But I just told him to fuck off_ **

**_What am I supposed to say?_ **

**_Yeah, I fucked myself up on purpose so you wouldn’t get a girlfriend because I’m in love with you_ **

**_I think he thinks I’m mad about him not noticing earlier and so he’s waiting for me to forgive him before he talks to me but I can’t do this_ **

**_He’s going to move on and get married and start a family and I can’t do it I can’t_ **

**_And I can’t look him in the eyes and tell him I can’t_ **

**_You’re the only one I could talk to_ **

**_Please say something_ **

**_Just as friends_ **

**_Please_ **

**_Please, gods, please_ **

**_I’m really scared_ **

Iwaizumi can feel his heart trying to scrape its way out of his throat. _Fuck fuck fuck how could be so **stupid.**_ The last message is from two days ago and Iwaizumi is already pulling on his shoes as he reads it.

**_Hey_ **

**_I’m scaring my mom now too_ **

**_I can’t stop crying_ **

**_I can’t eat_ **

**_I don’t know what to do_ **

**_What am I going to do_ **

**_At least tell me to snap out of it and talk to Iwaizumi_ **

**_Or my mom_ **

**_Please just say something_ **

**_Anything_ **

**_Please_ **

**_My surgery is three days from now_ **

**_I’m scared_ **

**_I can’t do this_ **

**_I need you_ **

**_Please talk to me_ **

**_I’m sorry_ **

Iwaizumi has made the leap between their roofs several times, but he hasn’t done it for a few years. It’s easier, at least, now that he’s taller, but it’s a specific skill and he almost slides right off of Oikawa’s roof.

He knows how to undo the latch from outside and slide up the window, and he stumbles into the room like a madman.

Oikawa yelps when he appears, and Iwaizumi all but collapses on top of him as he sinks down into the bed beside him.

Oikawa looks awful. He looks pale and there’s circles under his eyes that look like they were scribbled there with a marker. His eyes are red and still teary and he’s struggling to wipe his nose even now, though there seems to be a fresh batch of sobs making their way up his throat anyway.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, though he can’t muster up any bite to the words.

“I… I may have some things to tell you,” he says slowly.

Oikawa blinks at him, then looks away. “If this is about your girl, I really don’t want to hear it,” he says, pained.

“It’s not,” Iwaizumi says, then sighs. “Well, alright, it kind of is. Except… it’s not a girl.”

Oikawa looks back at him, looking confused. The expression highlights just how bleary and exhausted he is, and Iwaizumi feels like the worst friend in the entire fucking world.

“It’s a guy. It’s always… it’s never gonna be a girl, because I’m… I’m really gay,” Iwaizumi says. It’s the first time he’s said the words out loud.

Oikawa gapes at him, and his eyes narrow as though he thinks Iwaizumi might be lying.

Iwaizumi just keeps going. “Anyway, I didn’t feel like I could tell you… for… reasons. That I’ll get to,” he says. “So I… I kind of started a blog.”

Something like recognition flickers in Oikawa’s eyes, and he goes painfully still.

“And I started talking to a guy who’s… kind of in the same situation as me, and we hit it off and he asked me out but I couldn’t because… Well…” He trails off, because somehow he still can’t bring himself to admit his feelings. He feels his face go hot and he can’t tell if Oikawa knows why because he refuses to look at him. “… I couldn’t because I didn’t realize it was you until you started saying Iwa-chan.”

He braves a glance at Oikawa, who is staring at him like he’s sprouted another head. Then, to Iwaizumi’s horror, he starts to cry again, with a loud sob that’s more like a dry heave, and then he’s bawling.

“You…” Oikawa says, as Iwaizumi flails. He sounds like he can’t quite manage to inhale enough oxygen to continue between words and sobs. “You were in love with me and I fucked it up,” he wails, hand coming up to cover his face as his whole body shakes with tears.

“What?” Iwaizumi says, going over his words to see where Oikawa could have gotten that idea.

“I’m jealous and an attention whore and I… I went on a… on a freaking meltdown… be… because you wouldn’t talk to me, and…” He curls in on himself. “… m… my knee… oh gods my knee…”

This, Iwaizumi recognizes. He sighs and pulls Oikawa close, squeezing his arms around Oikawa’s shoulders. “Hey,” he says, softly. “I know you’re jealous and petty, idiot. I’m still in love with you. I’m the one who should be worried. I’ve been a shit friend and you didn’t deserve it.” He shakes his head. “And you don’t deserve to lose your knee either, stupid. The surgery is going to go fine anyway.”

Oikawa tries to say something else, but he’s crying too hard to get the words out. Iwaizumi rubs his back gently. “It’s alright. Everything’s alright, you’re just panicking.”

Sometimes, Oikawa manages to get himself so worked up, he can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those times, it’s best to let him cry it out and just sit there with him as he does. Honestly, after these past few weeks, it’s no surprise that he’s gotten into one of those loops.

He tucks Oikawa’s head under his chin, holding him close. Oikawa’s sobs bubble up like a fountain, but eventually he manages to gasp in a few deep breaths and wipe his nose, clutching back at Iwaizumi like his life depends on it.

“It’s alright,” Iwaizumi says, and he’s heady with the moment as he realizes what he’s about to say (again.) “I love you.”

Oikawa looks up at him, tears flowing freely, like he’s incapable of comprehending any of this. Iwaizumi kisses his forehead carefully. “You need to eat. And sleep.”

Oikawa’s next sob sounds a little like a cough, but he nods and takes a shaky breath. “Say it one more time,” he whimpers.

“I love you,” Iwaizumi says, like a breeze. If only it had been this easy to say it the first time.

“I love you too,” Oikawa whispers. Iwaizumi’s heart does a somersault.

“Food,” Iwaizumi replies, firmly, getting up and making sure to prop Oikawa’s knee up before he leaves.

Oikawa’s mother isn’t even surprised to see him, just relieved. She presses a bowl of soup into his hands, and Iwaizumi suspects she heard him come in the window. “Thank you for taking care of him all the time,” she whispers.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Iwaizumi tells her.

He takes the bowl of soup upstairs, and he takes one look at Oikawa’s exhausted face and sits down beside him to spoon the soup into his mouth before he straight-up faceplants into it. It’s a miracle he manages to get it all into Oikawa before Oikawa slides down, blinks melting slowly into snores.

Iwaizumi lays down beside him, flicking some of his messy hair from his eyes, and curls his body around him protectively. “Good night, Tooru,” he whispers.

-X-

Oikawa is terrified all though the wait for the surgery, but Iwaizumi can rest easy with the knowledge that he got enough sleep and food last night. Oikawa watches him quietly, glancing down at his hand hesitantly, and finally Iwaizumi is the one who reaches over and takes Oikawa’s hand.

Oikawa immediately looks away, as though it’ll be less scary if he doesn’t see it when he squeezes Iwaizumi’s hand back, then clutches hard. After a moment, he keels to the side, pressing his head into Iwaizumi’s shoulder, his grip hard on his hand. “I’m really scared,” he whispers, voice still scratchy from crying last night.

“You’ll be fine,” Iwaizumi tells him. “I promise.”

Oikawa’s mother gives them a small smile, but she stays sitting beside Oikawa’s sister, Mayumi, letting Oikawa bury himself into Iwaizumi instead.

“Okay,” Oikawa murmurs. “Okay, I trust you.”

They call him in, and Iwaizumi nudges him up. Oikawa nods and pulls himself up onto his crutches. His mother accompanies him in, leaving Iwaizumi to talk with Mayumi, anxiously awaiting the end of the surgery. It’s nice, catching up with her, but Iwaizumi can only think of the younger Oikawa.

They let him into the recovery room afterwards, though only because Iwaizumi slips in with the rest of the family. Oikawa is still out, looking pale against the white hospital sheets. Iwaizumi doesn’t even want to see this sight again, and it turns his stomach to see it now.

“The surgery went just fine. Once he’s recovered from the anesthesia, he can go home, but he’ll probably be pretty bleary for a little while. He’ll need lots of rest and he should come back in about a week for a check-up,” the doctor says, and Iwaizumi nearly tumbles right onto the bed in relief.

Instead, he sits gingerly, pushing a few locks of hair from Oikawa’s eyes. His hair is especially messy today, not the “gently tousled” look that Oikawa likes to do, but rather the utterly tragic chaos that it is when he doesn’t even comb it.

Of course, he looks just as good like this, though he’d never notice.

Oikawa’s eyes flutter open. He blinks at Iwaizumi for a while, then says, “Iwa-chan, you’ve got pretty eyes.” His voice is slurred and he doesn’t seem to know where he is as he looks around in confusion.

Iwaizumi laughs, relief flooding him. “Thanks,” he says. “You too.”

Oikawa gasps. “Is that my mom?” He holds his arms out and his mother laughs and comes forward to hug him. Oikawa’s always been a momma’s boy.

“Aw,” his sister says, pulling out her phone. “He’s so high right now.”

“Don’t,” Oikawa’s mother warns, and Oikawa blinks hazily over her shoulder, but she’s smiling.

“Oh my gods,” Iwaizumi says eagerly. “Are you gonna record this? Please say yes.”

“Oh, ho,” his sister says. “I’m not just going to record him. Hey. Tooru. Tooooru.”

“He’s had a rough day, be gentle,” his mother warns.

“Whaaaat?” Oikawa asks, wide eyes innocently peering at his sister. Iwaizumi almost feels bad for him, but he also can’t wait to have this on his phone as blackmail forever.

“Do you…”  Mayumi gasps, unable to keep a straight face. Oikawa just blinks at her, looking concerned. “Do you know where you are?”

He tilts his head. “The hospital,” he says proudly, because even in this dizzy state, apparently his observational skills are functional, and he’s very happy to know this.

“Do you know why?” he says.

He blinks down at his hands, seemingly unaware that his leg is still propped up and bandaged. “Did I finally get abducted by aliens?” he asks. He stares off into the distance and whispers, “I’ve been waiting so long,” at which point Iwaizumi loses it too.

Oikawa looks alarmed when he sees Iwaizumi double over. “Iwa-chan!” he cries. “Were you scared? Did you miss me? What happened? Were the aliens mean to me?” He looks at Iwaizumi with a desperate glance, his bottom lip wobbling.

Mayumi chokes, trying to compose herself, holding the camera with her elbow propped on the bed. “They dropped you on the way back,” she says. “So you got a little hurt.”

He gasps, as though that explains so much. “Oh,” he says. “Well. I guess equipment failures happen. Is that why you’re crying, Iwa-chan?”

“Nooo,” Iwaizumi manages through the laughter. “I just missed you so much.”

Oikawa blushes from head to toe, looks at Mayumi solemnly, then says, “He’s my boyfriend, you know.”

Oikawa’s mother and Mayumi both blink at him for a moment. “We… haven’t really talked about it,” Iwaizumi murmurs, sobering. “But he’s not wrong.”

“When is the wedding?” Oikawa’s mother replies.

“Um,” Iwaizumi says, mind going blank.

“When you boys were five you promised me you would get married. I expect a wedding.” She looks down at Oikawa, laughing slightly. “Wouldn’t Hajime make a wonderful husband, Tooru?” she says, pinching his cheek.

Tooru nods, looking a little lost. “Yeah,” he says quietly, then frowns. “But he has to share with the aliens.”

Iwaizumi manages a snort through the sheer throbbing embarrassment over the entire situation. “Good,” he says. “I won’t have to deal with you all the time.”

Oikawa lets out a pained whine and slumps back into his pillows. “Iiiiiiiiiiiiiwa-chaaaaaaaaaaan be nice to me, my head is fuzzy,” he warbles.

“Yeah, yeah, ok,” Iwaizumi says. “But only if you tell us about the aliens.”

“But I don’t remember the aliens.”

“Surely you remember something,” Mayumi prompts, earning a glare from their mother. “Come on, tell us what you know about aliens.”

Oikawa’s eyes light up at that, and before they can say anything else he’s launched into a very joyous, if confused tirade about aliens, much to the amusement of Mayumi and Iwaizumi.

-X-

“I can’t believe you recorded me,” Oikawa mutters when they finally get him up to his room. “My knee was cut open and you both just decided to embarrass me.”

“You were cute, though, telling us about UFOs…” Iwaizumi laughs, helping Oikawa into his bed and sliding in beside him.

Oikawa looks up at him with a questioning gaze. “I called you my boyfriend,” he says, carefully.

Iwaizumi steels himself and looks back. “I said you weren’t wrong.”

“But you didn’t say I was right,” Oikawa points out.

Iwaizumi sighs. “Well, yeah,” he says. “We haven’t really talked about this. I mean… we know each other’s feelings, but we kind of both found out under false pretenses.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “And we haven’t really discussed where to go from here.”

Oikawa nods, then chuckles. “Is it really bad that I kind of don’t want to talk about it? I just want to launch into something and… and hope I don’t screw it up.”

“Hey,” Iwaizumi says, cupping the back of Oikawa’s neck. “It’s ok. It’s kind of scary to finally talk this out, but that doesn’t mean we’ve got to leap without looking. I’m here, we both want this… we’ll be ok.” He smiles. “And you were really honest just now, I’m proud of you.”

Oikawa’s lips quirk up a little. “Oh yeah,” he says weakly. “I was pretty open with you, huh?”

“I’m gonna be expecting it now,” Iwaizumi responds, pulling Oikawa close enough that their foreheads touch.

“It’s so much harder like this,” Oikawa croaks. “Being able to look you in the eyes while I say those things. I’m so scared you’ll finally have enough of me.”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “The worst thing about you is that you hate being honest. Even with me,” he says. “You could never say anything so awful that I’d have enough of you. And besides, half the things you think are terrible are just you being scared and reacting badly.”

“That’s true,” Oikawa says, his voice unbearably quiet. “I’m scared a lot.” He smiles. “You remember when we were little and every time I’d start crying because something scared me, you’d carry me home?”

“Yeah, I remember when a beetle ‘looked at you funny’ and you were convinced it’d fly up your nose and kill you, so I had to give you a piggy back ride while you covered your nose.”

“I think I almost passed out because I couldn’t breathe like that,” Oikawa says, laughing a little.

“Yeah, and then we had to stop because you were dry heaving,” Iwaizumi chortles. He brushes his thumb against Oikawa’s hair. “You’re really not all that different. Unbreakable when you set your mind to something and just a big, silly crybaby otherwise.”

“Mean,” Oikawa says softly, and Iwaizumi almost misses the quick kiss that he presses to his lips. Almost, but he catches it just in time and it sends a flurry of sparks into his stomach. “I love you.”

Iwaizumi’s heart skips at least three beats. “Yeah,” he breathes, because for a moment it seems too big a leap to say it out loud. “Yeah, I love you too.”

“One step at a time?” Oikawa says.

“Well,” Iwaizumi says, grinning. “I mean, kisses and cuddling seem like more than just one step.”

“Cuddling,” Oikawa wheezes. “Please.”

Iwaizumi chuckles and places a kiss softly on the top of Oikawa’s head, laying back into the covers, pulling Oikawa with him and arranging his knee again. “Do you need a cold pack for that?” he asks.

“Not just yet,” Oikawa says. “But I’ll say something if it feels uncomfortable.”

“You better,” Iwaizumi growls, pulling Oikawa into his arms. Oikawa wraps his arms around Iwaizumi like an octopus and buries his head under his shoulder. “If your knee gets any worse you’re going to have to settle for angry kisses for a week.”

Oikawa laughs, turning his head up to rest his chin on Iwaizumi’s chest. “Iwa-chan, are you even capable of giving kisses that aren’t angry?”

“Oh, I’ll show you, you cheeky little brat,” Iwaizumi says, holding Oikawa tight as he places the gentlest kisses on his nose, pressing his lips to each of his freckles.

“I stand corrected,” Oikawa whispers. “Those were not angry at all.”

Iwaizumi strokes his cheek and then pinches his nose quickly, drawing an offended shriek from Oikawa. “They’ll be angry if you don’t take care of yourself, you hear? Very angry kisses.”

Oikawa laughs. “Anything but angry kisses, Iwa-chan!” he whines theatrically. “How will I ever survive them?”

“I don’t know if you will. They’ll be very aggressively angry kisses.”

“Sounds hot,” Oikawa fires back, then blushes and lets his face fall back into Iwaizumi’s shirt. “Nooo, I didn’t say that.”

Iwaizumi laughs. “You’re cute,” he says.

“Don’t laugh at my despair, Iwa-chan.”

“C’mere,” Iwaizumi says, slumping to the side and pulling Oikawa closer.

He cradles his head gently, and he’s struck by how soft Oikawa is. His hair is soft too, of course, but also there’s something about Oikawa himself at this moment, allowing his head to rest in Iwaizumi’s hand, boneless over his chest, breath hitching happily as he basks in the warmth beneath him.

“You little shit,” Iwaizumi breathes, because it’s apparently the only way he knows how to express how utterly overwhelmed he feels right now.

“What now,” Oikawa mumbles, eyes fluttering with a pathetic attempt to open them.

“You’re just really precious to me and it’s making my chest hurt,” Iwaizumi mutters.

Oikawa smiles. “Wow, Iwa-chan, you’re terrible at this,” he says, and then yawns with a tiny little squeak.

“Shut up,” Iwaizumi grumbles. “You’re just… ugh.”

“You’d think you’d be used to adoring me by now,” Oikawa continues. “Since I’m so _magnetic_.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“Fuck indeed,” Oikawa says. “I have written evidence that you think I’m amazing, don’t think I won’t use it.”

Iwaizumi laughs. “Well I have written evidence that you have zero self-confidence.”

Oikawa is quiet for a while, then says, “Alright, truce then.”

Iwaizumi considers teasing him a little more, but he hears something serious in Oikawa’s tone. “I love you,” he says. “Like I… I really, really love you.”

“Say it one more time,” Oikawa breathes. “Please?”

“I love you,” Iwaizumi says, without a second thought.

“I love you too,” Oikawa murmurs, and his shoulders uncoil that last inch as he falls asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This might be one of the most cringey, cliched things I've written in a while but oh well. It's finals week. Everything goes.
> 
> Please leave a comment or come talk to me on [Tumblr](http://dgalerab.tumblr.com/)!


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